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Pretty Young Things

April 2008

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Apr. 24th, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Red

So I'm blogging again.
I float in and out of needing this space, it's only when things get bad and the loneliness creeps in that I come crawling back. I get sucked back into examining.
After the month or two that it's been I've started uni and have been at the gym almost every day. 
I managed to stop weighing myself for a little bit so I'm not sure where I'm at right now, but I'll be doing stats in the morning. I only ever do them in the morning. Self-loathing before bed isn't something I'm into. The ongoing argument with oneself. 

So it's ANZAC day tomorrow. 
The significance?
Remembrance of the Diggers that fought for my countries (both New Zealand and Australia).
So self-absorbed are we now. 
But so were they when they left on their journeys. 
They left for the want of being heroes of their countries.
And that they did become, but they didn't know the pain they would go through. 
The valour in death. Lest We Forget.

Is that not an amazing metaphor for life in general?
We're all out to be heroes of our own lives. 

So I've been studying at home all day. My mind is shriveled and shrewd. 
I fought today. I think that's caused my re-emergence here. 
I figure if I keep myself focused and busy other aspects of my life will melt into the background.
So the two things to controllingly emerce myself in - study and eating (or the lack thereof).

How are you to yourself? 'The slow fade of love. And it's mist might choke you. It's my gradual descent into a life I never meant.'

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Jan. 24th, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Clear

Gone Vegetarian

Ran over 2 miles today (6km)

New program at the gym

Worked out for just over an hour - my abs hurt

Something healed today, because it all seems a little lighter

I'm going to a ball tomorrow night. The dress I'm wearing is an Australia size 8 - US size 4.

I'm getting there

I feel like going out to botanic gardens and taking photos - I like it when my creativity and artistic sense come back

xo

Jan. 22nd, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Opal

I'm not a teenage drama queen. I know when I've sunk a little into somewhere that I don't know that is in the shade.

I don't want to bother people with my problems. I tell people whats going on in my life. I'm not a corked bottle of events. 
But what I'm feeling. What I'm really feeling is a rusty spring that keeps turning in my chest. I just feel isolated. I'm scared of people again.

She got beaten because of me. Because I wasn't careful enough. 
I'm always careful.
Keep it secret.
Keep it safe.

I've told people what's going on but they never seem to get quite how deep it's burnt. All the events of late; it's not one thing, it's many.

I want the old hurts to stop hurting. I want to know why it was so easy for her to get over what happened, what she did to me. Did she know how many pieces my heart broke into?
I want the new hurt to get get better. The new girl in my life, beaten and back handed - her face is bruised. It was her dad, but it was my fault. 

I want to hurt myself only in a way that gives me something back. Running helps. 3 miles a day until my body burns. Cause and effect.  

There are little holes in my chest. I don't want to fall out of myself. 

I'm not a teenage drama queen. I'm just caught in the shade.

Jan. 16th, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Ivory

So I moved house. Didn't have internet for god knows how long - hence no updates.

Things with the eating are up and down. There have been days with no food, and days of binges. I can't be bothered writing down the last weeks worth of lists. I can happily report a loss of 4 pounds though, which is good news!

So on Saturday was the first day of the move. I came to the new house at 5:30 that morning. The previous owners clearly thought that art was throwing food at the walls because I spent the day BLEACHING! EVERY! WALL!... I kid you not! So a whole top floor and kitchen later I have chemical burns on my hands and have to go to work from 5 until 10:30. I work with a moron. You know one of those people that is a complete and utter idiot, that's her. So the grumpy and tired me ends up having a shit of an evening, things aren't cleaned properly and I left at 11 because I simply couldn't do any more. Anyway - such is life.

So Lor and I are kinda going somewhere. I'm not sure where, but I'm definitely looking forward to the weekend where I get to see her.

It's sweet that warm feeling you get when you meet someone new.

'isn't this the best part of breaking up, finding someone else you can't get enough of'

love girls love

xo

Jan. 8th, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Black

There's other stuff to talk about 

But importantly... my mum suspects - shit

Jan. 7th, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Manderine

Yesterday and today have been pretty bad as far as eating. Let's not get into it. I really need to be kicked back into gear. It sucks working with food because you can just eat the unsold items from the day before (ie. the cookies) which have an obscene about of calories. Truly, it's disgusting, but they taste so good, and my self control waned slightly after I had a rough night dealing with my ex two nights ago. 

On a brighter note though I'm currently wearing my 'skinny' dress. It's a fabric dress I've had for about 4 or so years. It clinges to every bludge and I put it on this morning to remind myself that I need to lose weight. The thing is, I can actually pull off wearing it at the moment. my stomach is flat and you can see part of my ribcage =). So anyway, I know I have a way to go but that made me feel alright. I also realised that my numbers are probably out at the moment because I'm on my period. 

So I've got work tonight, then two days off which is a nice change. I'm thinking of going out somewhere - I want to go dancing. 
Lor is all into me again, after being on again, off again with this other chica. Moni is still chasing even though I've told her I'm in a 'no go' for relationships right now. 
I move house on Sunday - I'm sooo happy about that.
Kel got back on Saturday, I missed her too much. 
The world is full of arseholes I've discovered, I'm probably one myself but at least I know that.
I want a helium balloon - so I can let it drift into the sky.

And shit I'm going to be late for work
xo 

Jan. 4th, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Lilac

I had the worst night's sleep last night. It was awful. I can't purge food. Regardless of that sense of empowerment I felt in using those laxs yesterday, waking up so many time in the night because my stomach with cramping from my period, cramping because it was empty, and knotting because I swallowed lax/fibre meds that my body didn't want is not worth it. Restriction and excess exercise are the furtherest I can take my body without it completely crashing. I had to eat a bowl of noodles this morning. Progressed carbs - a whole bowl full. Because I knew that it would ease my stomach pains. As well versed as I am in the feeling of an empty stomach, laxative bloating is disgusting! 

I'm not bothered I ate those noodles, because it works into my eating plan (OFF day - carbs and protein, ON day - fast). I know I should have made it so today was the fast because of the chips yesterday but I'm not going to. Anyway, I went to the gym this morning. I ran (and yes I ran the whole thing) 3 miles, or 7km, I then did half an hour of weights. 

I'm about to go have a sleep until 3 ish, when I have to get up and get ready for work, I can put my stats in now though because I know what I'm eating when I get up.



So that leave me in the negatives with (-)313.9 cals =) Gotta be happy with that. Any negative is a good negative.

So right now I'm going to go sleep so that I don't pass out at work.
Ps. If any of you can go watch the women's tennis you really should. I found it motivating at the gym for some reason... or maybe that's just their short skirts =P

xo

Jan. 3rd, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Turquoise

As suspected from yesterday my mind has slipped, which seems strange after going so long without a thought of food. Meaning, that I didn't have any issues with what I was putting in my body. I knew when I was eating bad food but I didn't feel guilty.

Now though, with every other mixed up thought in my mind I've turned back the focus. It's feels a bit different now than from past times. I used to get scared when I started thinking like this, or began a fast or restriction. But now, it just seems like the right thing to do for me. 



I watched 'The Truth About Size Zero' tonight. I think that although there may be young women that are deterred from beginning self inflicted suffering with (well without) food, for those of us with already bad patterns we were equipped with more knowledge. I hope like hell that girls are deterred, the last thing I would wish on someone is such a mixed up mind with something as elemental as food. Watching the show however, for me, only proved that if I exercise hard, if I restrict well enough, I can lose weight. People suffering are already very good at silencing they noise that tells us we are hurting ourselves. I found it very easy to silence all the health risks and warnings, I already know them. This, I must point out, is sad, unfortunate and stupid on my part. And before anyone tells me otherwise, I already know that everything I do is of my own making, and is my own fault.


I'm suprised more than anything that I didn't drink any coffee today. Generally that is my first port of call when restricting, however I guess this time I'm approaching it all differently. My mindset, although similar, has a great number of differences which I think will help me more.

Zero cigarettes - I want to keep it that way

As for everything else in my life, well, I did go to Moni's about two weeks ago, and I did stay the night. Without being crass, it was all above the border. I did stop things with her though, I began to feel like I was leading her on. I really had no feelings. She became rebound, as much as I didn't want her to. Lor is back to where she was, seeking me. I did go to hers Tuesday afternoon, and I should say that I'm now confused etc - but I'm not. All I'm feeling right now is a strange sense of satisfaction with myself. I'm doing things right now purely because they are what I feel like doing. I think it may get me in trouble sooner or later, but I've never really felt content to go with the flow like I'm doing now. It's quite empowering. Maybe this is what it feels like to mostly heal yourself after your first break up with someone you love. To be cheated on by your first love, to feel cheated by the universe - yet stand up on the pavement and walk over the tears that fell. Not angry, not jaded, but wiser and different.

This may have been a ramble, but it was a vent I needed. Plus, I don't think anyone reads it anyway =)

So into space - free love x free hugs 

Jan. 2nd, 2008

Pretty Young Things

Charcoal

So I don't know why I'm feeling it again. Just a need to focus on food again. It isn't like a New Years resolution or anything. More like a 'proving to self' thing. 

I used to abuse food, you know, the lets be stupid and not eat for a week. And it is stupid, I'm smart enough to acknowledge that. But right now I want nothing more than to do that again. I shouldn't and it's stupid but I want to feel skinny, and pretty, and powerful. Maybe it's something to do with my recent breakup, maybe not. My ex girlfriend hated the fact that I had a past of bad eating, she never understood the voice I had that used to tell me I was fat. She silenced it for a while too, there was time when I truly believed that I could eat what I wanted. But her voice faded and I was left too my own again - and here it is, loud and clear - 'you are fat' - 'stop eating' - 'why did you just eat all those cookies? You know how much fat is in them'. The week she cheated and we broke up I lost 11 pounds and it felt amazing, like out of the pain I was feeling I could still have something from it. I don't think it's her that makes me want to do it again, because I want to do it because of myself. To be able to walk into university in two months knowing that I have something. 

Things seem a little a miss in my mind at the moment.

Dec. 20th, 2007

Pretty Young Things

Clear

There were three aims of yesterday
1. Start new job
2. Sort out mess with Lor and Moni
3. See Sam

The first was good. I always said I wouldn't do the food industry again, that was my first job when I was a baby teen but there's some comfort in being able to walk into a new job and knowing exactly what to do and where everything is. So I'm happy with this new job, I've already got another shift for this week that I didn't originally have, so you know, happy them, happy me, happy money. 
:)

Action 2: Lor and Moni entered the scene when my girlfriend who I'd been dating for 10 months cheated on me the week after graduation, not fun. Lor was the random I found during that party week, you know the person you find when you're trying to tell yourself that it's your exs loss and you've still got 'it'. But then I got back into reality - myspace has a way of letting a random become not so much of a random, and her friends get locked into the picture. Moni is one of Lors best mates, lesbian like the rest of us. She and I got close and I found myself liking two girls, close friends, different reasons, and I'd already fucked one of them. BIG ISSUE. 
I decided to hold back on Moni for a while, let the thing with Lor flow. Found out last night however that I was Lor's plan B; she was trying to 'give it another go' with the girl she'd cheated on her ex with. Point here: Plan B's don't exist in my mind. It was just frustrating that I'd started to pull away from Moni when really Lor was trying to have two pieces of pie. 
Today's mission though: drive to another city to spend the rest of the day, and possibly the night with Moni - this should be interesting.

Third point of yesterday:
See Sam

We sit on the roof of our car in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night; we talk, we smoke, we laugh, we bitch. It's our way, and I thank god she doesn't judge the shit I do. 
 
 

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